The log

   want some really cool wall art? follow these steps:
1. go into the woods and find a branch
2. if need be, and if one is available, cut the branch with a hacksaw
3. set up shop in your dining room because you're too lazy fueled with creativity to make a space elsewhere
4. sand and stain branch
5. wrap in christmas lights
6. hang on wall
7. feel awesome

   i wanted some nature in our house and i knew i wanted to use some old sticks but just couldn't figure out what. so for some inspiration, i took the kids for a walk in the woods near the park. they kicked up the leaves and picked up sticks and pretended to be pirates. then, i saw it. this perfect branch. actually, everyone who sees it now calls it a log, but whatever. i knew it would be perfect for a wall project. i immediately had to have it.
   i know. it's a freaking log.
   i couldn't take it right then and there because it was too big to carry. so out of fear that someone might take my log (yes, i hear what i'm saying) i pushed it off the trail and covered it with leaves.
   i went back the next day with the kids... and a hacksaw in my backpack. cue the "mission impossible" theme song.
   after it was safely at home, i gave it a week to dry out a bit more and then i got to work.
   to the left is my work area (some might say it was our dining room).
   so i started sanding and was ready for staining. i borrowed a can of minwax, red oak stain from my dad. it was kind of a toss up as to the color and how it would turn out since it was an unknown species of wood but thankfully, it turned out  just the way i wanted.
   i found two studs to hang it from and matched up my studs with my branch and after marking it, put in two screws.
   i found these super awesome lights by martha stewart. they are on a teeny tiny wire. and i mean wire. not like your typical christmas lights wire. it's super thin and has bulbs that look like a dab of hot glue. best of all they are battery powered. so i needed to hide the battery box in the wood. i didn't have the proper tools to cut a nice rectangle so i went all macgyver and took a drill to it. don't ask. anyway, the result was i went back to my trusty old dad and rasped away to make it all even. i put in two small nails at the bottom of my rectangle so the box wouldn't hit the floor when i hung the branch.

   so there it is. my log. my lights. my nature.

love love love

A little DIY

    sometime in november i started to take on some decorating. i had just painted our downstairs white and i was kind of stuck as to what to put on the walls. i realized for the first time since owning a home that there really are no rules. you can do whatever you want in your house. it doesn't have to be a cohesive color or pattern. you don't have to shop from a catalog or go to a furniture store and spend the big bucks. i think the best things you can put in your house are diy.

    i've been doing diy projects like crazy. a little collage in our dining room...

   

    the stag head is an iron-on printed on transfer paper and set on natural colored muslin. it's been mounted in an embroidery hoop i had from a leftover project. i suddenly became fond of gold so i spray painted two old picture frames. the top frame holds my husband's boutonniere from our wedding day, which makes me smile every time i go by there to dust. the A is made from twigs our kids found while on an outing to the park. i painted them red and hot glued them on a canvas i covered with leftover fabric. the frame with the feathers was painted and antiqued. and the feathers... those are my favorite. our kids found those feathers at the park we visit just to feed the ducks and geese. we took them home, washed them, and dyed them ourselves. total cost was $3 for spray paint.

so after this whole project i knew i wanted everything in our house to be diy and close to our hearts. i want everything to have a meaning or a memory. i saw this...  

    i loved this string art from Vintage Revivals. but since i have white walls and i didn't want white on white, i had to come up with a plan. i primed an an old store bought canvas i previously had hanging. then i got out the paint, the brushes, the painter's tape, the freezer paper, and the kids. what? the kids? yep. i wanted them to do it. so after making basically freezer paper stickers for the letters (i will have to show you my ingenious method) and taping off my lines the kids went to work.

   the only rules i had was mommy gets to pick out the colors and one color was to be used at a time. they followed those directions, to my surprise, really well. i enjoyed their faces of concentration and hearing them ask, "can i have another brush, please". jack told lily many times her paintings were beautiful. it made me smile. i watched jack use his artistic talents and saw lily continue to adjust her grip on her painting tools. we listened to music. we got creative. we had fun.

so there you have it. a pretty cool work of art and a memory on canvas.
love love love

we were pregnant

     in october, todd and i found out were were unexpectedly expecting. though it wasn't planned, we were excited and really happy. i was most excited for our children. they both love babies and were strangely saying for quite some time they wanted a baby in the house. i couldn't wait to tell them but that's what we did. wait. for good reason. we had two miscarriages before. both weren't planned but they left us a little sad. a little confused. but we carried on. this time was different. we were in a place where it was okay to be thrown a curve ball and so we super okay with the fact a baby was on it's way. so we planned to tell the kids at christmas; a gift from jesus.
     the very day we miscarried was the beginning of our 12th week. we were in disney world, if you can believe it. it was an emotional roller coaster to say the least. i thought i rode on one of those before but, no, not like this. i can't even explain what emotions i was having. i remember sobbing and just screaming in the car. how could this be happening when only three weeks prior we saw a heartbeat? we saw arms. we saw legs. i'm usually never at a loss for words when it comes to my husband, the person i can say anything and everything to, but the only words i could find were,"i'm so sorry." that's all that would come out. i knew it wasn't my fault but that's all i could seem to say to him. i was sorry for his pain. i was sorry for his sadness. i was sorry for his loss. i was sorry he was going though this. just as much as i was.
     it all went so fast but it felt like an eternity. i remember collapsing on the bathroom floor in the hospital. i was hyperventilating so much i lost feeling in my arms and legs and i couldn't hear. i was exhausted. i didn't want to get up. i wanted to give up. i was on this cold floor, my head on my arm, in nothing but a hospital gown feeling nauseous and sweaty. i could hear todd's muffled voice telling me to get up. just get to the bed. no. i couldn't. i didn't want to. i just wanted it to be over. i wanted desperately to pass out on the floor so nurses and doctor's could rush me where ever and get everything out. get it over with so i didn't have to go though it awake. but no. todd picked me up off the floor and got me to my bed where i was soon hooked up to an iv.
    an ultrasound, an internal exam, and maybe two hours later, i heard what i already knew. the baby was gone.
    trying to be happy for the kids was the hardest. trying to be excited when they met minnie and daisy was the hardest. seeing pregnant mom's was the hardest. i think i realized how different this miscarriage was. how it really was hitting me.
    i wanted it to just be normal once we got home. i can't say my happiness was all there. it was difficult to smile at strangers, which was something i actually liked doing. i cried when lily was sleeping during the day. i cried when i saw the picture todd and i took with a shiny new positive pregnancy test. i cried at night. i cried when i wasn't given a break. but i tried to be happy. i really didn't think i would get there.
   but at some point i did. at some point i realized what i had in front of me. two really smart and funny and beautiful kids. i get to see their faces light up on christmas when our son gets his first action figure and our daughter, more disney stuff than i can count. i get to hold their hands and hug and kiss them goodnight. i realized some people have it much worse than i do. some people can't conceive. some people have children who are taken too early, like in the tragedy last week. some people carry their baby to full term and only get a few minutes to spend with their new addition before it goes up to heaven. some people have cancer, can't walk, are getting biopsies. when i compare myself to these people, i realize how lucky i am. how blessed i am. i realize how okay my life is. that everything will be okay.
    i guess i'm writing this because it's good to talk about. miscarriages are often left in the dark. like it's something between only husband and wife. but that's not true. not talking about it hurts the most. i came to the realization that talking about it helped me accept what we lost. the more we talked about it to others the more we realized how many other people this has happened to, how many people were praying for us. how many people support us and love us. all of those things are the greatest gifts we have ever received. we had a couple say to us, "we couldn't think of anything to write in a letter to make you feel better. but know that you weren't grieving alone." that meant the world to me.
     the biggest thing that got me through this was my husband. our relationship grew stronger. i really owe that to Marriage Encounter, something todd and i have been involved in for a couple years. without it, we wouldn't have known how to talk about the miscarriage. how to tell each other how we were feeling. how to grow, how to trust, how to love throughout it all. Marriage Encounter saved us from a downward spiral marriage almost two years ago and it was still working it's magic in our relationship.
  i'm at peace with where we are now. i love where we are now. we are stronger and more connected. i am happier, feel more blessed, and i might just be finding more of myself.
   i'm writing this because you should know. you should know if someone you know has had a miscarriage. you should know to just be there for them. talk to them. they lost a member of their family and they are trying to still make sense of it all. i'm writing this because if you have miscarried,  you aren't alone. and someday happiness and peace will find you again.
 

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